Panic Button

So after exercising with my heart rate monitor and carefully counting every single calorie for a week and being in a calorie deficit, I ended up gaining a lb. I know a lb is JUST a lb, but JUST a lb after JUST a lb has added up to being 2 lbs away from the obese category. And as I’ve said before, its terrifying me. I got so frustrated I can’t even tell you.

I had some struggles in the week following my failed effort to have a true caloric deficit to ensure a weight loss. I had some major stressors including being thrown into an OR room with a doctor that I’ve never worked with before and to say the least people aren’t very excited to get assigned to his room. That event in itself sent my anxiety through the roof. Sidenote- I’ve struggled with major anxiety issues my whole life, stemming from some traumatic childhood events and genetics (my mom has some struggles with anxiety). For the most part it’s under control, but it rears its ugly head when I am in situations that just REALLY freak me out. Anyway, I knew the assignment for the day had me stressed, but when I got off work finally and out of the situation, the anxiety was releasing and was pretty overwhelming. I had to run to the store and get ingredients and make cupcakes for the kids baseball team and deliver by 6:30. I got out to the parking lot and DROPPED an entire dozen egg carton, and heard them all crack. I had to make another stop somewhere else because all I wanted to do was get in the car and drive. Then when I finally got home with a complete ingredient list, I could not for the life of me measure out 4 cups of flour. I mean, was I having a stroke or something?? Seriously.  Then after I got all the cupcake foils filled, I realized I had forgotten the brown sugar. So I decided to put about a tbsp of brown sugar in each muffin tin. Miraculously it turned out great. I was really really struggling!!

I also found out that my organization changed its PTO/time off policy on april, after I had turned in all my time off for the year, and it made it impossible to take the time off that I had requested. Therefore, the one and only week I took to be up north with my family will be cut super short, which has pretty much broken my heart. But I’m trying to get over it. My fiancé is having some pretty tough times with his ex wife continuously taking away more and more time from us with the kids. And we have no control over it because she is the custodial parent. I wonder if I am being a good soon to be step mom. I worry about the step kids seeing me someday with children of my own, inevitably with a different/closer relationship and being spiteful. Am I being a good soon to be wife? I should cook more. We’re super under staffed at work and everyone is stressed, morale is low. And, on top of everything…. I am likely at this point (having not weighed for a few days), over the obese threshold.

I woke up that night at 2:30am, totally panicking. Wide awake, heart racing, feeling sick to my stomach. I’m fat, and I’m always going to be fat. I’m going to not fit into my wedding dress and I’m going to have to have it taken out, and the style is definitely not going to look right on an obese woman. And everyone is going to be looking at me. If I get pregnant, I’m going to get even more obese and not even recognize myself. I couldn’t sleep, my mind was racing. I had to go to the couch so I didn’t keep my fiancé awake. I took a couple of my rhodiola root pills (a natural herbal remedy you can find at whole foods that seriously takes the edge off of anxiety by managing stress levels and cortisol, and it helped. I fell asleep for a short while until my alarm went off at 5 to tackle another day at work.

I decided I need help. I know I’ve said recently no more programs, no more meal plans, no more systems. But I need help and I need it now. Something that comes to mind is the beach body ultimate reset, but theres some problems with it. It focuses on clean eating and supplements, but some days are so calorie restrictive that you are not supposed to exercise for the 21 days. It has something specific you eat every day and there really isn’t a plan for post reset. They suggest redoing it backwards at day 21, but after sometimes having 800 calorie days, not being able to exercise, etc…. falling off the healthy band wagon was almost inevitable for me. Exercising with tony horton and beach body with P90X3 was amazing, and I do hope I finish it someday, but he recommended eating 1800-2100 calories a day, which I think is what ultimately lead to my weight gain (I know at least part of what I gained was muscle… but still, the scale moving up closer to that obese category isn’t making me happy). 

I’ve decided to give the Advocare 24 Day Challenge a try. I’m sure that most-all of you have at least heard about this, and probably are very familiar with it and have formed opinions about it. Several people from work have done it and have had great success with it. I’ve been researching it online for the past couple weeks and I think it’s going to be a good fit for me. It is a 24 day ‘challenge’ in which you take supplements bought from the company and eat clean. I know I could just eat clean but at this point I really feel like I could use the help of some supplements as well. There are general guidelines of what to eat, but you are free to eat fruits, veggies, lean meat and grains. You do not have to eat as restrictively forever, but the 24 day challenge sets up the framework for how you could eat for the rest of your life to maintain optimal health. My package should arrive on tuesday, so hopefully i’ll be set and ready to start wednesday. It’s a bit risky bc in the next 24 days I’ll have a few things (Wedding shower, 5 day vacation up north with family) that could make it a little difficult, but I’m tired of waiting to get skinny. My time is running out. Life is too short. I’m tired of it. I need to get on track.