Follow me to my new happy place!

I have created a new blog!

This blog was originally created to give my readers an inside look to my journey to health and happiness. It was up and down. In the end, mostly down. I stopped updating this blog in December, because I was just tired of spitting out Negativity. It was all that I had, if I am to be honest.

I’m happy to report that life is certainly looking up. WAY up! I have made some fantastic strides in truly improving my health and happiness, and I cannot wait to share them! I would love for you to follow me to my new and improved blog that is going to be filled with positive energy, healthy tips, and other nuggets of awesome.

BreakingBoundaries2015

See y’all there 🙂

Lots

So, it has been a long while since I’ve written. A LOT has happened. I’ll try to make this flow as best as possible.

I started crossfit. I was going three times a week, religiously tuesday, wednesday, and thursday. LOVED it. Immediately felt stronger. It’s the toughest thing I’ve ever done, very comparable to PX3, but harder. Always felt so good and accomplished to, at 6am, already have done such a strenuous workout. I have now skipped two weeks, and I’m determined to get back into the swing next week. I was derailed by what has now turned into a legal issue.

I can’t divulge too much info, but the bottom line is that we had hired a contractor to completely renovate our kitchen. He ended up really really really messing up, and in the end running with a LOT of our money for work he had not yet done. The past two weeks have been consumed with stress, tears, worry, anxiety, and late nights of me putting together books and binders full of evidence to present to a lawyer. We hired a lawyer who is now handling the whole thing. We hope to recover some money and at some point sooner than later finish our kitchen.

Our kitchen. Well… lets just say that the point where the contractor left was probably the worst point ever. It’s gutted. And has some electric done, and thats it. Sooooo I have no kitchen. No sink, no dishwasher, no stove, no oven….. nothing. I can’t cook, and I can’t clean/do dishes. We have a fridge, so drinks and left overs (from take out) is all we have. Technically we do have our outdoor grill, but we don’t even have a kitchen sink to wash off tupperware from left overs. For someone who desperately wants and needs to get back on track with eating, this feels like a total disaster.  The diet for the past month has been composed of pizza, subway, panera, and the such. On top of being extremely pricey, it’s getting so old. I want so SO desperately to cook a dish, in a kitchen, in an oven, or on top of a stove. Something home made and HEALTHY. I’m actually really really sick and tired at this point of junk. So so tired of it.

I also recently hit my (yet again) highest weight ever. I was really pleased with myself that I wasn’t quite in the obese category, yet I was teetering on it like no one’s business. Well, in the days after thanksgiving, hello obese category. I got on the scale and instead of the hideous 172 I was seeing recently… it flashed ‘179’. Who gains weight that easily??? ME. All day. Three and a half years ago I weighed a measly and VERY healthy 144 when I met my now husband. How in the world have I gained 30+ lbs?

I finally gave up dieting. My whole life for almost 30 years had been a diet, constantly, every day. And I got tired of it. I got tired of seeing pizza, greasy appetizers at applebees, desserts at the corner bakery, and KNOWING that i was not allowed to have them. I got tired of denying myself. I struggled every day, but the thing is, when I did deny myself deep fried foods and desserts every day of my life, my weight was healthy and normal. I got tired of the fight, so I stopped fighting and let myself do and eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. And here I am, almost 180 lbs. YIKES. I have lost that sense of self control, that immediate, almost habit like instinct, that I just pass up things that I know will cause weight gain. It’s almost like I’m in denial that high calorie foods will make me fat. Hellllloooo- check the scale. Check the mirror. Check all the clothes in your wardrobe that don’t fit anymore. Thats plenty of proof. Not having a kitchen has been the worlds greatest excuse (not to mention around the holidays..) to just eat horribly crappy. I mean, epically crappy. Which has translated into an epically high weight for me. I think I’m getting there mentally to be ready to turn it around. If you’ve read any of my blog, ever, you know that this is just basically an ongoing continuous thing for me. And that I need help. I need a guideline. I need a program. I need something to show me what to do. My problem usually comes in when the program is over, I’ve lost (some) weight, and then I get tired of it and want to eat junk again. I’m sure it comes as no surprise, but once again, I’m looking for that program that will help me turn my bad habits around and help me achieve my goal.

One of the guys at crossfit did a program called Lifestyle 180. It’s an online class that is 20 something weeks long, and promises to help you evaluate all aspects of leading a healthy lifestyle. It addresses emotional, exercise and nutritional aspects. It hones in on clean eating, with specific guidelines and built in ‘cheat days’ after you reach certain goals. Dude at class lost like 60+ lbs. It’s going to be a drastic change from my absolute junky crap food lifestyle to strict clean eating, but it’s time. It’s really really time. The next lifestyle 180 class also ironically starts on my 30th birthday, January 28, 2015.  You can check it out here –> http://www.lluniversity.com/lifestyle180/

My motivations and goals center around a few things. First and foremost I want to once again feel comfortable and confident in my own skin. No more hiding from the camera, or not wanting to get into a bathing suit or shorts. I’m so tired of tight uncomfortable clothes, and buying clothes in sizes that I never wanted to have to wear. Second I want my weigh to be within 5 lbs from the healthy BMI target for me. I’m 5’4 so that puts me at 145lbs max. I do have a large bone structure and have always been very muscular, so any weight up to 150 I think would be perfect. I wouldn’t be upset if I was 145 or lower, but the immediate goal is going to be anything below 150. Soon 149 lol. I hope so start the program somewhere around 170, so that I have just over 20 lbs to lose. That means I have to get myself about 7 lbs lighter than I am now, on my own, before my birthday. The final, and most important motivation for all this is that I want to try to get pregnant at some point in the next year. At 180 for a starting weight, a pregnancy would put me into the 200’s…. that is NOT ok. Not on a 5’4 frame at least. NOOPE. I want to enter a pregnancy in the best shape of my life and at a healthy weight. It just HAS to be that way. Period. The day I wake up at the scale says 149 or lower, I will happily tell my husband I’m ready. Getting to 149 or lower, which at this point is almost 30 lbs, sounds like a bit of a pipe dream. That’s the emotional and mental aspect of this that I believe Lifestyle 180 will help me get over.

Not only am I eating total crap, but I’m definitely NOT getting in the nutrients via fruits and veggies like I should be. I already know that I’m very devoid of nutrients, minerals and vitamins, and I’m VERY very inflamed at a cellular level and VERY prone to food allergies and sensitivities. I emailed the founder of lifestyle 180 and they said that food allergies will actually help make this program even more successful because you will be able to figure out with their help what exactly to eat and how to be satisfied with the choices that are there for me. I’m excited because frankly, I feel lost. I have for a while. I need a comprehensive plan, beyond counting calories or points, and something that isn’t a cleanse that is only realistic for a few weeks.

As of December 26, I will be the owner of a brand new shiny NutriBulletRx! Woot! My goal is to at least once a day incorporate a NutriBlast. The nutri bullet is a high powered blender that fully extracts all the nutrients inside the foods you chose to use and makes in into a smooth juice while retaining all the fiber and good ness. I have a nutri bullet but it’s a bit old and on its last leg. The new and improved Rx looks fantastic, and I cannot wait. I need to figure out a way that despite not having a kitchen, to make having a nutri blast each day work for me. I NEED need need to start ingesting veggies, fruits, and super foods, like, bad. My body cannot be happy with what I’ve been feeding it lately.

I also just got a Life Planner from this awesome website- Life Planner. It is a 2015 calendar/planner, and it has a TON of awesome stuff in it like a place for meal planning, exercise planning, stickers, a place to put stamps and other small items, etc. I really want to work on ORGANIZATION in 2015. I just really want to get it together. I want to go through the storage in the garage and clean it out. I want to go through my clothes. I want to remember peoples birthdays. I want to floss every day. I want to get on track with organized, planned healthy eating. I think this planner will really help.

So.. thats it for now. Hope everyone has a great holiday and happy new year 🙂 🙂

Crossfit?… Who, me??

Just gonna cut to the chase.

I’m tired of being lazy and soft. I’m tired of being weak and not being able to do one pull up. I’m tired of cleaning up my diet and not seeing any change in my measurements or on the scale. I’m so tired of not pushing myself and being so far from what I COULD be.

Sooooo I signed up for crossfit. Yup. I just, went to the local gym that has it after work, took a quick look around, and committed. Committed to paying $110 a month (full gym access. full class access, full cross fit access… yup! not cheap!!).

I’m a very muscular, naturally athletic person, so I’m pretty sure that this will be a perfect fit for me. And good lord if the financial commitment isn’t enough of a motivation, nothing would be!

So thats it. I’m VERY curious how my first class will go tomorrow. They offer a ton of crossfit classes throughout the day. I should be able to make the 5am one with enough time to shower there and get to work. If I ever don’t make it to the 5am one, they have a 4pm one, which works for getting off work at 3pm. Ideally I’ll be able to get it done in the morning. That means getting up shortly after 4 though, which is going to be a major challenge. I’d have to be in bed by 8pm for a full 8 hours, and that’s just not gonna happen. I could see if I really pushed, I could get in bed by 9pm, giving myself about 7’ish hours. So, perhaps going to the 4pm one is going to end up being what works for my sleep schedule. But we’ll see. I’m also curious how many times a week I will do this. I don’t know whats normal… I’m assuming three times?

Things I’m nervous about- I’ll be SO sore the first few.. days? Weeks? I have to be able to function at my job. I do a LOT of walking around, bending, lifting, etc. I’m nervous because I won’t know HOW to do fundamental things, and I hate not knowing and standing out in the crowd as the ‘dummy’. The person who gave me a tour today of the gym is one of the coaches, and she was GREAT and made me feel totally at ease about being a beginner. I’m SUPER out of shape. I can’t do ONE pull up. I can’t run a mile without feeling like I’m going to die. So, it’s going to be a rough go, I’ll tell ya know.

But this is about commitment. I haven’t been successful in anything I’ve tried in the past 3 years.. BECAUSE I HAVENT STUCK WITH IT.

Perfect example. I have a goal right now to lose 1 lb per week. Two weeks I got on the scale and was 172.6. Last week I was 171.6. Goal achieved. Yesterday I was 172. Frustrating? Yes! This is exactly where I would get stuck and want to stop, anything, in the past few years. It won’t be a linear line. If I continue to explore and integrate a primal/paleo diet, and especially if I add in some exercise (such as crossfit), I WILL have success. I will. This coming week I might weigh in at 171. And the next week at 171.4, and the next week at 170. And the next at 170.5. But I’ll get there. Slowly but surely. I’m going to commit now, and stick with it. I’m going to give myself 12 months to perfect the diet (to the best of my imperfect ability) and exercise and see where I am in 12 months.

I’m NOTORIOUS for quitting, I just am. But I can’t this time. Not an option. I have a body to prepare for getting pregnant at some point in the near future. I have confidence that has been lost that I need to find. I have a long long life ahead of me that I want to be comfortable in my own skin for. I want to just FEEL better. And I know I will in a leaner, stronger, slimmer, more powerful body. I cannot WAIT to get there.

Any crossfit friends out there with any tips for a TOTALLY out of shape newbie?

Testing……

So I had some mighty lofty goals that I made for myself a week ago saturday. Some I did pretty well on, and some not so well. I promised to weigh in and update my blog on saturday.. and well.. I’m 2 days late. Heres the truth-

I had a pretty terrible week. I just did, and this is why- I didn’t grocery shop for Heaven’s Sake. The week before I grocery shopped, and ended up wasting a lot of my food because I just didn’t cook. I suppose I felt like I needed to be punished, or perhaps I didn’t deserve to go buy more food that I could potentially waste, so I didn’t. And so all week I was at the mercy of cafeteria food, restaurant food, or bad decisions in other forms. I will say though that I started out the week making way better decisions when it came to fluid intake. I really did a great job at cutting back the diet sprite intake. I drank a lot more water. Go me.  Small steps. Also, I think I did pretty well on the eating more so when I’m hungry front.

I did pretty well to start out with on the activity level front….. and then sort of fell off the wagon. I have my fit bit, and I set a goal of 10,000 steps per day. It’s odd because most of the time at my job I get about 6400. I figured out that if I stopped at the park on my way home and walked around it once, I would surpass 10,000. Backing up for a second, I walked a lot on Saturday (not this past, but the one before), and on Sunday as well. Monday I hit my goal after the walk in the park after work. But then I hit a snag on Tuesday. I scrubbed my very first open heart case. That meant I stood, in pretty much the same place, give or take a few feet, for 8 hours straight. While passing up instruments to crack open a chest, and bypass arteries in a heart. I have to say, I was EXHAUSTED, despite my fit bit only having registered 2000 something steps, if that. That sort of threw me a bit. I was absolutely not going to go home and try to accumulate 8,000 more steps on top of literally being on my feet ALL dang day long. The next few days I was a bit less enthused about going to the park after work as my days grew increasingly crazier and crazier.

I woke up on Saturday feeling like I probably did NOT lose that lb that I wanted to. I also have a weird thing about not wanting to weigh myself in the morning until I …… (looking around)… poop. There I said it. I’m talking about a bowel movement. I haven’t ever physically weighed one, but I have to believe it could possibly weight like 1/2 a lb at least, right??? God, I’m so weird. But… anyway… I prefer to weigh myself in the morning, after sleeping in on a weekend, without any clothes on, and preferably after a bowel movement. BM was MIA on saturday morning, so I put it off. I hopped on the scale after said BM sunday morning, and boom, 171.6. Down the 1 lb that I had hoped for. As far from perfect as I was, I was slightly surprised. However… cutting back on grains as much as I have, letting myself  get a bit hungrier than I have been, the increased water intake and activity…  I think it worked to my advantage this week.

I’m doing really well with the idea of not having grains of any sort as staples anymore. Rice, oatmeal, bread, things I used to love and eat with every meal… I can very seriously take them or leave them now…. and it’s usually the later. And I’m very happy to report that I’m no longer getting the super hungry shaky, sweaty, hypo glycemic bouts I would be subject to before my semi primal lifestyle. I feel a ton better incorporating more animal proteins and healthy fat sources. As a former vegetarian/sometimes vegan, it still feels sacrilegious to say it, but its the truth. It’s how I feel.

Something I’m not doing too well with is the grain based snack items I still can’t seem to kick. I’ll do really well at lunch and get a salad with chicken.. and then I can’t resist having a small cookie… or a large one. Or… I do really well for breakfast and lunch.. and then when I leave work I stop at the coffee shop and get a scone. What is that about? I still have this strange addiction to cakey, soft baked, preferably warm and out of the oven junk food items. That is so so hard for me. I think I need to start baking/making myself paleo/primal approved cookies to fill the void for now, and slowly ween myself off of THOSE. They would be better for me in the short term. I have no problem resisting pasta, bread, and all the starchy stuff that I think trips up most people.. but those dang desserts. UHG.

Saturday and Sunday went very well in terms of food choices. I found this wonderful new blog about Auto Immune Protocol eating (what my doctor wanted me to be on and I failed miserably at after getting my blood work back), and you can find here here –> http://peakprimal.wordpress.com. This girl is the real deal. She is SO dedicated and just does amazing well with her goals. I have been drawing much inspiration from her. She posted a recipe for Garlic Coconut Shrimp, and I made my own adaptation of it. I sautéed garlic and shrimp in some coconut oil. After they were (almost) done, I added a little organic unseated shredded coconut. I took them out of the pan, and melted a little bacon grease. I sautéed spinach until it wilted down, and then added the shrimp and garlic back in. WOW was it ridiculously good. My husband loved loved it too. I would add more spinach next time. But it certainly didn’t need rice or bread or any nonsense like that.

I shopped and got some good stuff for this week. We had that shrimp on Saturday. A roast sunday night. I have a whole chicken I made to eat from this week as well. I also made sausages for breakfast that I need to actually eat.

I’ve been thinking about goals, long term goals. I want to at some point get labs re drawn and see significant increases in my vitamins and minerals. I want to see a significant decrease in my inflammation. I want to have my energy levels continue to increase. And I want to be under 150 lbs. I want to enter a pregnancy in a year or so if we decide to have kids healthy and at an ideal weight. I do want to at some point really kick up the exercising bc I really really want to do some pull ups and just feel… stronger. I’ve considered cross fit, but dang I don’t know if I’d fit in with such competitive personalities. I’m the LEAST competitive person ever.

My friend from the auto immune protocol blog I referred to before suggested this book –> The AutoImmune Paleo CookBook by Mickey Trescott. I received it today and can’t wait to jump in.

This is going to be a process. But I’m excited to be on the up swing, with all the imperfections that go along with being me  🙂

Ps here’s one of my favorite pictures I’ve gotten back from my wedding so far. Pure bliss

Primal Living

Just clarifying… I have by no means been Primal enough in the past couple weeks to call myself Primal, or that I’ve been living Primal.

But… if you’ve been reading my blog, primal living is something I’ve become interested in, and basically is the next lifestyle I’m going to explore as possibly the answer to a healthier body.

So… Primal living. It’s a lifestyle created by a dude named Mark Sisson. It’s going back to our caveman roots. Primal living emphasizes the research that shows that our health took a huge hit after the agricultural era and we began consuming man made products that truly our bodies weren’t made to process. AKA grains. I was very resistant to this idea when I was majorly into the vegetarian/vegan lifestyle, but after getting my results back from the holistic doctor and I found out I was super anemic, deficient of all vitamins and minerals, and inflamed at a cellular level beyond belief… I knew I needed to open my eyes to something I never had before. Primal living goes as far to say that grains are poisonous to our bodies, in the sense that again, our bodies were not genetically compatible with digesting products we created in the agriculture era.

Ok so.. grains are poisonous. Got it.

…. grains are poisonous? Yikes. Ok welllll.. frankly I love grains. Whole wheat bread, old fashioned oatmeal, rice, etc etc. They are a staple of a vegan diet. Booooo.

Disclaimer. I really do believe that a vegan or vegetarian diet is possibly best for some people’s bodies. Unfortunately, with the results of my blood work after following such a diet for so long, it wasn’t doing me any good, and truthfully, a lot of bad.  The Primal diet focuses on eating everything that my body really needed to balance itself back out, and avoiding those things that I have a feeling were giving me issues.

When you eat according to a primal lifestyle, you cut out grains and anything processed. That includes legumes. Yes, legumes. We created them, they’re not natural. So… no bread, cookies, candy, beans, oatmeal, soy, nothing with added white sugar, etc. It sort of leaves you wondering, so what can I eat?

Primal eating focuses on plant and animal products- beef, fowl and fish (hormone free, grass fed, organic, wild caught), vegetables, fruit, and healthy fats (olives, first press extra virgin olive oil, coconut oil and coconut products of any type, omega 3 rich fish oil, animal fat, some non processed real dairy).

It sounds so crazy to me because for so long I didn’t ingest any cholesterol or animal fat products with the fear of having high cholesterol. The primal school of thought says that as long as you stay away from grains, processed foods and especially trans fats and really bad for you fats, your blood work will show great numbers. It only makes sense to me that I am deficient in all my B’s and iron (which… are found in high numbers in foods I’ve been avoiding), and my inflammation is high (and I’ve been consuming lots and lots of grains), that I switch to something like that. I’m coming around to the idea of it.

I’ve read a lot of success stories on the primal living website, Mark’s Daily Apple, and I swear these people, especially the women my age, we have the same exact story. Yet, they’ve followed a primal lifestyle and have ended up exactly where I WANT to be.

The past two weeks I’ve attempted to be more primal than I have been ever. The first week went VERY well. I shopped at whole foods and actually cooked dinner every night. My breakfast options were decent and lunch was left overs or a mostly primal salad. I did pretty well. This week has been another story though. I got a ton of groceries… and sadly I know I’m going to be wasting a bunch of them because I didn’t cook as much this week as I should have. AND wow were my food choices, especially at work terrible. Yesterday, for example, and yes it was Halloween, but that is NO excuse… I had a cookie, a scone, AND a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream. In what world is that ok? Ever? Gosh, I was SO not primal yesterday.

Mark Sisson says you have to follow an 80/20 rule to live a happy life. 80/20 is not going to work for me until I start actually being dedicated, get off the floor running, and start seeing results. When I strive for 80/20, it ends up being like 20/80. I need to strive for 100% and I’ll probably come up around 80/20 because being perfect is quite impossible, for me at least.

On my wedding on October 4, at least by the pictures that I’ve seen so far, wow I looked great!! Surprisingly, given the 25 lbs I’ve gained in the past few years. But then we went on our honeymoon, and pictures of me in my bikini? Not so great.

For most of my adult life, I’ve sat at around 150. At 5’4, with a large frame, and a very muscular body, that’s honestly a pretty stellar weight for me. But, I always thought I was way too big. It’s technically 5 lbs over the ‘healthy BMI limits’, which I’ve let dictate my feelings towards my body a little too much. I filled out my size 10 jeans and wore medium shirts. But I was totally solid, muscular, cut and curvy. I thought I would do myself and society a favor by striving to be smaller. No no no no, I was perfect. Really, I was perfect. I remember one time when I was 18, I was a freshman at Michigan State and walking to a football game. I was 142 lbs, and wearing these tiny little plaid shorts. I felt somewhat self conscious in them, but decided to wear them anyway. I figured that only a girl that weighed 125 or less should be wearing shorts like that. Several months after that day, I met a guy at a random party. He said “hey! you were that girl I met at that football game wearing those cute little plaid shorts. Gosh you looked great!” I honestly had no recollection of him at all. But, apparently I looked great. And I definitely didn’t think so. At 142 lbs!! What was wrong with me? What I would give now to weigh 142 lbs!!

Anyway…. I find myself now with this pudgy, soft layer of fat all over my body that just, looks TERRIBLE. I’ve never had it before until now. I look at pictures of me back in the 140, 150 days and I had so much more definition to my face, and my skin didn’t look bloated and stretched. I do want to get back down to the 140’s, as my body will thank me for taking off that extra weight for sure (I sometimes get really bad knee pain after a long shift at the hospital), AND frankly, I’m tired of this stupid layer of pudge. It’s made it so that most of my clothes simply don’t fit anymore. I have a huge mess of summer and winter clothes in my room that need some major organizing, and there they sit… because nothing fits. And it’s depressing. And I don’t want to think about it or deal with it. So clutter accumulates.

I’ve been trying to figure out why and how I’ve gotten to this point. 172.6 lbs as of this morning. My battle with my weight first started when I was 12 and my mom took me to weight watchers. I was 135 lbs and very short, because I was still growing. 5′ probably. From that moment on, my life became very centered around a diligent watch over what went in my mouth and what didn’t. My mom was the food police, I had to weigh in every week in a public place, dessert was never an option, I always always always felt deprived. But as a result, I was very happy with how I looked. I was confident and fit into small cute clothes. Looking back at pictures, sometimes I was even SKINNY. I think what has happened in the past 5 years is that I just finally gave up. I allowed myself to have cookies if they were there at work or school, something I would have NEVER done in my past, calorie watching skinny life. I allowed myself to have dessert after a big dinner at a restaurant. If I felt like eating, I didn’t count a calorie or points, and I ate it simply because I wanted to. Not necessarily because I was hungry, but dammit it sounded good and I wanted to. And I can. So I did.

Ok well…. now here I stand at a fat, pudgy, sloppy, ALMOST OBESE, 172.6 lbs. I hate a lot of the pictures of me on our honeymoon and the idea of not being able to organize my clothes because none of them fit anyway is SO stressful. My measurements sure show the fat layer I currently possess. And the really really sad part of all of this? I don’t want to enter a pregnancy at this weight and gain MORE on top of it. No way. At 172.6 lbs, if I were to get pregnant tomorrow, I would probably flirt with the 200 mark during my pregnancy. Not gonna do it. I really want to start trying for a baby in about a year, so guess what. I NEED to be 25 lbs lighter than I am now in a year. Sounds doable…but dang I’m on the struggle bus. 170 is a number that has taken a hold of me, and I can’t see to shake it.

I wish I remembered HOW i had the self control to pass up that which I knew wasn’t going to be good for my health or my waist line. I wish I could conjure up that drive and determination to stick to the plan and achieve goals. Thats where I think I’m stuck- I don’t have a plan. And when I DO make a plan, I definitely don’t stick to it. So…. ok how about we start small. I’m going to attempt to make a few goals and stick to them this week. *DEEP BREATH*. Ok here we go….

1. Stay in the 50-100 carb goal range Primal Living recommends. My carbs will basically come from fruits and vegetables. Maybe the occasional potato. Mark states that if you stay within the 50-100 range and not have any processed or grain carbs as part of your intake, your body will naturally start burning fat. SO… we shall see.

2. Stop with the soda thing. Seriously. Right now. I kicked diet coke (I have one in a blue moon now, if that). But I switched to diet sprite. That is NOT how it was supposed to go. Lacking the caramel colored chemicals that diet coke has, diet sprite is a slightly better option, but it still has aspartame and is chalked full of chemicals. I need to drink more water. And I need to stop ingesting poison. Why is this so hard.

3. Back away from the cafeteria. I need to stop purchasing food at work. It is such a social aspect of my job. We all go downstairs to eat together. There’s no reason I can’t have my own food. It’s just laziness and a gluttony for the greasy, monotonous, comfort foods they provide at the cafeteria. At the price of an arm and a leg too! This is a HUGE challenge, but I need to strive to always eat food that I have purchased prepared.

4. No cookies, cakes, pies, candy, etc or anything like that. I need to make some Primal Approved Desserts to satisfy that sweet tooth. I need to knock it off and stop ingesting every soft sweet baked good that’s available to me.

5. 10,000 steps per day. Minimum. End of discussion.

6. Fix my relationship with MyFitnessPal. Myfitnesspal has become the food police to me. The enemy. I always go over my allotted calories, and at a certain point, its too painful and I just stop logging. Instead of getting viewing it as the enemy, I need to change my perspective and once again see it as a tool. It’s there to HELP me. And if I’m going to go over calories, ok, log it. Maybe it’ll help me figure out when I most have trouble, if I’m not getting in enough protein, etc etc.

7. Eat only when I’m physically hungry.

8. Lose a lb by next week. Yes, Saturdays will be my weigh in day. And next Saturday I need to weigh in at 171.6 or lower. Should be doable.

9. Update this blog at least once a week to keep myself accountable.

Ok! Here goes nothing 🙂

Alls Well that Ends Well…. wedding and honeymoon!

Soo… hello world!!! Gosh it’s been a while 🙂

I’m married now!!! Yes! I really am! The big day, the build up… all of it, it’s over now. I’m a wife and a step mom. FOR REAL. The wedding was absolutely amazing.  And the honeymoon? Dare I say even better?

I could probably write for days and days about the wedding and honeymoon, but I guess I’ll do my best to just highlight some main stuff.

It was so so sooo far from perfect. We had TONS of glitches, and glaring errors, but in the end…. gosh it was perfect to me 🙂

The day started off a bit shakier than I thought, as my mom and myself were supposed to be at the venue, getting our hair and my make up done, at 10:30am. At 10:25, were still at the hotel, and I say “umm we gotta go!” and my mom says “I still have to get into my dress bc I have to pull it over my head!!” So, I said to my momma “Well, I’m gonna go, you catch up with me in a bit.” Going over to the venue, by myself, as the bride, walking into the scene of getting the whole place ready, by myself…. That was a mistake. I walked in, and I was overwhelmed by a few things. First of all, it was beautiful. For what they had already set up, wow, seeing all of my details, linen colors, candles, flowers, etc, coming together.. just WOW. What a moment.  Then it occurred to me that the placement of the band’s stage, that we all had meticulously gone over and over and over, was wrong. Also, the parking lot on the ground floor… that my dad had paid for… and was essential for my guests to park in as it was a downtown affair, was full. Full of people who had parked in it for ‘event’ parking due to the parade.. that shut down ALL the streets around the venue… making it impossible for my vendors to get there. At that moment, my wedding planner, and at that point very good friend as we had spent 1.5 years together planning THIS…  turned the corner and saw me. OMG MELT DOWNNNN!!! I started bawling and said all in one diarrhea of the mouth run on sentence “the parking lot is full the band is in the wrong place, omg its so beautiful, and i don’t want to lose contact with you and never talk to you again omgg…” LOL melt down. Totally pathetic. She hugged me and said it will ALL be ok I promise. She scurried away to fix a few things and I walked around trying to gather myself. My sister in laws family somehow popped in (how they got up there I’m not sure) and her mom gave me a hug, asking how I Was, to which I responded with more crocodile tears “overwhelmed.” And then… I was ok. That was it. That was the main crying I did for the day. Ok moving on.

So I got my hair and make up done, and it turned out beautiful! My bridesmaids all showed up, done up to the 9’s, looking AMAZING. And there were all the dresses I picked out, the jewelry I got them, the shawls looked amazing. Just a great moment.

Lets move forward to next main disaster. The ceremony was supposed to start at 4 sharp. I was standing in the bridal suite, with my father, hanging out. We were practicing walking around, chatting, laughing, listening to music. Life was good. I felt great. A little shaky and nervous, but it was ok. Suddenly my brother and wedding planner come to the door, and my wedding planner angrily asks my dad to go see her privately. I asked what was wrong, and she lied ‘nothing’. She always tried to protect me like that.. I looked at my brother and said “what happened” and he said “….. ummm.. are you sure you want me to tell you?” ??!??!?!?!? WHAT THE….. I thought maybe my groom was sick, or went to the hospital, or someone got hit by a car? Then they broke it to me that it was 4:15… (really? how time flies…) and that the wedding rings had accidentally been left behind at the hotel. LOLLL WOOPS!! Luckily, the hotel was literally acrossed the street, and someone was running (literally) to get them. I was a bit shocked, and upset, for about 2.5 seconds, then I found it incredibly funny. LOL!! Omg… only me. haha! So… the rings arrive…

and I walked down the aisle to my groom with my father. It was magical… from what I remember. It’s all a blur. Especially because 5 minutes into the ceremony, I started feeling like I was going to pass out. Literally. I Started wobbling on my feet and seeing black dots. My dress tied super tight, the dehydration and hunger (didn’t eat or drink hardly a thing due to nerves) were probably to blame. I ALMOST, ALMOST asked the reverend to stop and let me sit down for a second. I didn’t want to ruin anything, nor make a scene, so I bent my knees (pretty deeply, can’t wait to see that on video), took a deep breath and squeezed my butt cheeks hard (techniques used in the OR when you feel faint). And low and behold I made it through somehow. I came back to life around the time we exchanged vows. When we exchanged rings I was fully present, thank God. I can’t wait to see the video because I very much so don’t remember most of it as I was trying to stay conscious. I remember being super excited, and when he said we were husband and wife, I shook our clasped hands up and down excitedly and smiled, maybe even jumped up and down a bit i think? We kissed, then walked back down the aisle. At that point I got a super great look at who all was there. It was everyone! All of my friends, family, his people, all in the same room. Wowza.

Then pictures. It was FREEZING and we kept it SUPER short. One of jason’s kids had a breakdown, and was crying. He said he was super overhwlmeld bc he had never seen his dad so happy before. To me, it looked like tears of distress, not tears of joy…. but he’s a kid. He was probably feeling lots of mixed emotions. I’m curious if he’ll look weepy in the pictures… poor guy.

Anyway… we went back, and had grand introductions. Huge disaster coming up. The DJ, who was a last minute  no one knows him but he’s the only person in the area not booked DJ…. FORGOT to announce one of our couples!! It was super awkward. Everyone noticed, and the couple that was up next to be announced, had to step to the side, confused, and fall back. They never got announced. I wanted to go out there and fix it, but the DJ started plying our introduction song, so we walked out there. I tried to save face by, after we went out there to the crowd, turned back and motioned for them to come out. They walked out, I motioned to them, trying to give them their own huge solo introduction, and I gave them a big hug. I did my best… Then we cut our cake. It was delicious 🙂 The DJ was supposed to immediately go into our first dance song… and there was at least a 30 second delay where we stood awkwardly around.. LOL OMG seriously people… lol! But, we danced to our first song. then my dad and i danced, then my groom and his mom danced.

Dinner happened, then speeches, and it was all wonderful. We did our best to make our way around to say hi to everyone but good lord, that was way harder said than done. Probably to make up for the somewhat terrible DJ experience, the band was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!! We splurged and got one of the best cover bands in the area, and they were PHENOMINAL. I can’t even describe how well they kept the party going, until the very wee hours. Just, unbelievable. It ended up being the most epic wedding in the history of EVER, due to the beautiful location, decor, food and entertainment. It couldn’t have been better! well… maybe minus those little disasters I told you about.. but hey.. it gave it character 😀

So the worrying I did, for close to a year and a half, about fitting into my dress, being a fat bride, looking terrible, being uncomfortable… it was all for absolutely nothing. In my humble opinion, I have to say that I Loved the way I looked. My hair and make up were beautiful, and the dress? stunning. Absolutely amazing. It came together so well. The seamstress ended up making it fit me PERFECTLY and gosh was it beautiful. I may have been a size 12/14, and 5 lbs away from being ‘obese’ on my wedding day, but I pulled it off graciously. We don’t have any professional pix back yet, but a few of the ones friends snapped.. looked pretty great 🙂

Monday morning we flew out to St. Thomas for our honeymoon. I realized about half way through our 7 day adventure, that never have I ever had him totally to myself for that extended period of time. He has his kids, and they are number one as they should be. But for 7 days, I was spoiled, and it was JUST us. We called and face timed with them on a couple of occasions.. but he had no work, no kids, no baseball, no coaching, no nothing. Just 7 days of pure, reckless, selfish time spent together. It was magical. St. Thomas is beautiful if you’ve never been. I got an incredible deal. Back in march when we decided to go to St. Thomas, I went online and onto the Ritz Carlton’s website, and found a resort view room, for when we needed it, book 7 nights… 179 a night. I figured it was probably a good deal, so we booked. I can’t even tell you how lucky I apparently got. I went online during the trip to see prices at the hotel, and they started at $390 a night, all the way up to $1,190 a night!!! WHAT?!??! We are more like a $179 a night TOPS for an extravagant trip like our honeymoon.. so we really want to go back, but what are the odds of me finding a deal like that again? ever?

Needless to say, everything was incredibly expensive, especially at the hotel, but we luckily had the money. We decided to, within reason, just enjoy ourselves, and spend the cash we had brought with us from the wedding. We ate at fancy restaurants sometimes, we shopped and my hubby bought me a beautiful ring, we just enjoyed ourselves. We found this amazing local pizza place and when expensive fresh fish got a bit tiring, we ordered a $10 pizza delivered to room. We lived it up, and really existed in each and every moment, with each other. I am so thankful, and feel so blessed that we had that opportunity and really started our marriage off on SUCH a good, fun, happy, relaxing note. Our view from the hotel was amazing. It was technically ‘resort view’ but you could see the ocean to the left.

We spent one day at this place on St. John’s called Trunk Bay. It was the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen, ever.

We started our honeymoon in this hammock, and ended it there too. Here’s a last day-

We left on Monday morning.. and good thing. St Thomas and the rest of the carribean just got rocked by Tropical Storm Gonzola. Can’t say I’m happy to be home… but I’m sure glad we went when we did! The weather was perfect, absolutely perfect and this week there is terrible.

Being home sucks. The wedding being over is slightly devastating. I feel myself becoming a bit depressed. Being thrashed back in to the real world, MINUS wedding planning, really really really really REALLY sucks. 100% of my energy was focused, for the better part of 1.5 years, on planning 7 hours. I’m finding it really hard at this point, and that there is a giant hole in my life. And it makes me want to cry. Quite often.

BUT… here’s me, positive polly, trying to view the glass as half full. This is a new beginning. I have all the time in the world right now for a couple things.

My health. I have seriously slacked on my supplement intake (namely iron, C, and B’s, that I need desperately) and my food choices. The weeks leading up to the wedding was a  crapshoot, at best, and lets just say we really indulged on the honeymoon. As we should have. But now, we are back. And I need to get on track. I was struggling to find something, some sort of system, that was going to work for me, namely my allergies. As a reminder, my true allergy list includes, but is not limited to, Almonds, Corn, Tomatoes, Soy, Milk, Wheat, and Eggs. My sensitivity list is a mile long, but I’m going to try to focus on the allergies for now. It’s been difficult finding a system that works with all of these things. If you try vegan, theres a lot of soy and wheat. Try Vegetarian, and theres a lot of eggs and dairy. Avoiding meat is not the best option for me, I’ve come to realize, unfortunately. By my husbands suggestion, I have been reading Mark Sisson’s “Primal Blueprint”. It’s a lot like a paleo lifestyle, but with an emphasis on intake of vegetable and some fruit. You focus on lean protein intake, plant and animal products, nuts, seeds, healthy fats. You keep your intake of carbs (from veggies and fruit) to 50-100 for weight loss, then 100-150 for maintenance. You eat 0.7 grams of protein per lb of lean body weight. You eat the rest of your target calories from fat. It’s unlike anything I’ve tried, read, or trusted. It seems to align with lots of my goals, including avoiding my allergies and sensitivities, lose fat, not be completely slave to eating certain things at certain times, stabilize blood glucose levels, etc. It’s going to be a BIG adjustment, but I want to try to go for it. I’m still reading the book and trying to come up with a plan, for me. You exercise, very often, doing slow movements like walking, hiking, raking leaves, etc most days of the week. You do the primal movements (squats, pull ups, push ups,  and planks) 2-3 times a week. You sprint once a week. You drink water when you feel like you need to. You sleep more than you’re probably sleeping now. You get enough sunlight to maintain a bit of a tan. It all really makes sense, and is very…. earthy. I’m excited, but its going to be a big change. I’m not looking forward to whats going to come in the first few days, weeks, of cutting back carbohydrate intake. It ain’t gonna be pretty, but I know i need to do it. It’s going to be an adjustment of how much I sit around, to finding some sort of daily exercise to do in this small town. I’m assuming walking is going to be my best bet. I’ll have to gear up for the winter coming…

There’s no reason that I can’t take on the issue of my health, full speed ahead, at this point. No reason. I need to shed about 25 lbs of body fat, increase my strength, build my endurance, and start feeling better. I suppose its time to get primal 🙂

Well… cheers.. to good health, new beginnings, and filling up the holes in your life with that which will make your existence exponentially better.

Life Flashing Before Me

I’ll get the negative crap out of the way first.

My health, in terms of eating well and exercising, has been on the bottom of the priority list. My wedding is a week from saturday, and I’m completely overwhelmed with tying up loose ends. Seems like every waking moment, and even moments I should be asleep, I’m doing wedding stuff. Emailing, texting, ordering, tracking, etc etc. My issue with my eating is that I have NO clue what I want to do, what I can even do. I have a list of allergies and sensitivities a mile long, and I don’t yet know how to deal with this. So, I’m not. I’m basically eating whatever I want, while trying to keep calories reasonable. I need to avoid dairy and wheat… so what do you google? Gluten Free Vegan? Then there are lots of recipes with corn, tomatoes, and soy… all of which I’m allergic to as well. So.. it’s going to take some figuring out, and I have decided to shelf it for now. Until after the wedding. I’m looking into work out options, that I’ll actually carry through with. There is a sports center on my way home that is affiliated with my work place, and I’m thinking that might be a more realistic option as it’s on my way home unlike the gym I currently belong to that is clear across town. When I get back from the honeymoon, I will have a completely clean slate and 100% of my energy and efforts can be focused on me. So, thats that.

So back to the fact that the i’m getting married in 11 days… I’M FRIKIN GETTING MARRIED IN 11 DAYS!! wowza. I mean.. holy COW. I’m getting nervous about a lot of things, a lot of the stupid little things I’m sure most brides get nervous about. I want to look beautiful. I want my hair and make up to turn out exactly how I have it in my head. I want my dress to look amazing, despite the extra pounds I’m carrying around. I want the day to go off without a hitch and I just want the 200 people who are going to be there to have an absolutely excellent time. I don’t want to be a bawling mess the whole entire time. I’m a very emotional thinker, so crying for 7 hours straight is a possibility. I really hope I keep it together. The kids at home and people at work are passing around some kind of bug, and the last thing I need is to be sick on my wedding day. There’s been a few mix ups with a few of the vendors that have had to be straightened out. We also realized about a week ago that the phone number on the invite for the hotel (98% of my guests are from out of town) was the WRONG number. That was a major snaffoo that we had to work through, which was a blast. I’ve had a lot of moments in the past few weeks that I’ve wished we had gone with a small destination wedding on a beach in aruba or something… but.. the truth is… all 200’ish guests coming are people that are insanely excited, and I wouldn’t in the end want it any other way than for all of them to see us get married.

I’m marrying a man who was formerly married and has 2 children. It has not always been easy. I have to perpetually deal with a woman from his past, who is constantly a huge part of his present and will be in the future. She isn’t exactly ….. polite, or easy to deal with… however, she feeds the children and doesn’t do drugs or abuse them or anything terrible. I tell myself when it gets tough that it could always be worse. No woman wants to be reminded of her man’s ex(s).. but its just a part of our relationship. He is definitely well worth it. Despite any hardships, I most certainly consider myself the lucky one. He is amazing, kind, compassionate, selfless, strong, and loyal. He keeps me laughing, ALL the time. He is pretty satisfied with not having any more kids, but he’s also open to the idea that I might (and do) want at least one of my own, and he’s willing to give that to me. Am I getting cold feet? NO, definitely NOT! I’ve spent 3.5 years thinking bout ALL of these things, since the beginning. This is a hugely unconventional relationship, nothing at all like I had envisioned for myself when I was younger. But that’s pretty much how my entire life has turned out- unconventional. And I love it. I love all of it.

I’ve been having bizarre dreams. I dream very vividly, almost every night. I always have. For the past few weeks, my dreams have been pretty much exclusively about the wedding. Typically something goes wrong. For instance, the other night I dreamt I went outside to the garage and there was a huge trough of raw chicken and i said out loud “This is gonna go bad before we have to serve this to the guests.” LOL weird. I’ve had a series of another type of weird dream- dreams about exs. Yup. My ex boyfriends have been popping up in my dreams. But what happens with them is the interesting part.

A little back ground on my past relationships real quick.

I had a high school sweet heart that I was madly in love with. We broke up junior year, mutually, but I wanted to get back together. He did not. In fact, while I pined after him, and just wanted at least a little acknowledgement, he made it as though I never, ever existed. He moved on with his life SO quickly. We still shared some mutual friends, and he was down right cruel when we were in the same room. He bragged outright about the new girls he dated, complete with tons of pictures of him with other women to pass around. It was humiliating, and I was totally devastated. I tried to keep in touch with him. There was even one time that we got together a few years later, he was single, I Was single, and he looked at me and said “Sometimes I think we were meant to be together.” Then as soon as he got another girlfriend, I was reduced to not even a memory once again. I found out a few years into college that he got a girl pregnant and was going to marry her. I cried. I really don’t know why. At that point, I can honestly say that even if he came to my doorstep and asked me to be with him, I would have said no. I think for some reason all I wanted was…. maybe recognition? To not have been made to feel like I played no part in his life? Because he played a huge role in my life, and at least, I thought, I played a big one in his. When you are made to feel like something that meant SO much to you wasn’t mutual… it hurts a bit. So… that’s my hs sweetheart.

The guy I dated before my fiancé was a marine. He had served 4 years in iraq, front line combat. He was living in NC, and I Was living in michigan. He came back to michigan to visit family- he was born and raised in michigan. I wasn’t looking for a relationship (I had just gotten out of a TERRIBLE one that ended in me having to get a restraining order) but this cutie convinced me otherwise and I soon found myself dating marine boy. We had an EPIC relationship. I mean, epic. It was so passionate, so comfortable, and just seemed to work so well. I would go and visit him in NC and he would come to visit me in Michigan. About a year into our relationship, he moved to michigan to be with me. Things were going very well…. until one of his best friends who served in Iraq with him committed suicide. It was never confirmed that it was suicide, but it was an overdose.. and from what I came to learn, I just couldn’t believe it was an accident. Throughout our relationship, I noticed signs of PTSD, but just didn’t really think it was a big deal. He couldn’t go to fourth of july fire works  shows, as it caused flash backs. Whenever we went to a restaurant, he had to have his back facing the wall so that he could see every person in the space. We couldn’t go anywhere that would be super crowded. I didn’t think much of it because when we first got together, I made him promise me that if he ever was having serious trouble with PTSD, that he would get help. He agreed. Well… after he moved to michigan and his friend died, he started having some major troubles. Things that were building finally came to a head. I was in my first semester of nursing school, and he came over for another normal weekend. We went to my room, he layed down, and started bawling. I mean, crying his ever living eyes out. He went on and on about how he just ‘couldn’t do it anymore”. He “couldn’t do THIS anymore. This life, this civilian life. He just had to get away.” I made him stay with me for the night and the next day and I helped him google rehab places for veterans with PTSD that he could go to. At the end of the second day, he looked at me and said ‘I have to do this alone. I don’t want to hurt you.’ I told him that him taking the decision away from me was not fair and not honorable. He stood his ground, and he left me. A few days later, he erased every single thing there was on Facebook that had to do with me, all the statuses, the pictures, the relationship, everything. Then he put that he was single. I tried to contact him several times, and got nothing back. I to this day don’t know if he’s dead, alive, in michigan, in nc, in the united states, if he went back to the marines, if he’s a missionary in uganda, if he’s a bum on the streets. I just don’t know. And that is so crazy.

I’m a thinker. I can’t help it, I always have been. I think that I was a bit traumatized by the two most significant relationships of my life ending in, well.. abandonment. And absolutely zero zero closure.

Point of all of this is… I’ve been having dreams in the past few nights of myself confronting past relationships. If they ended in real life with my heart being broken or me having no closure.. in my dream, I confront the ex with an aggressive, screw you, I don’t need you, I’ve moved on, type of good bye. If a different ex pops up in a dream that in real life I hurt or had to be the one to end things, in the dream we come to reconciliation and end things on a good note.

I dreampt a few nights ago that I ran into the marine who left, and that I grabbed him by his hair, made him look at me and said “You were the most worthless boyfriend, ever!” WOW harsh. And then on my way out in the dream, I ran into another ex, one that I broke up with and ended up hurting in the end, and I told him in passing “Hey! I’m engaged now!!” and he said “Yeah? I’ve already been married and divorced…”

Last night I had a dream that I was engaged to my high school sweetheart, and walked inside a house to discover he was dating someone else. Then I looked around and realized he was dating a LOT of women (in real life, I came to realize that he more than likely had multiple girlfriends when we were together, which bothered me for a long long time). I threw my engagement ring at him and said we’re over! I was totally traumatized, sobbing my eyes out, and left the house. I went to  a bar, and there was a guy I used to date in college. In real life, I ended up breaking up with this guy and it did not end well. I was so happy to see him in the dream, given how distraught I Was about the situation with the hs boyfriend. I told him hello and that i was happy to see him. He was happy to see me and showed me pictures of  a niece he recently acquired, and it made my heart happy to see him happy.

While I guess in one way it makes a lot of sense, it’s pretty bizarre. I have to say… between high school and when I met my fiancé, I dated quite a few guys. If my brain thinks its going to go through all of them before I get married and have some sort of confrontation or reconciliation, it had better step on it. I don’t know which I’d rather dream about 1.5 weeks before our wedding- serving raw chicken to our guests, or ALL of my exes. Yikes.

The weirdest part about all of this, is that if any one of these people showed up on my door step, begging me to be with them, it would be a he** no! I haven’t even consciously thought about any of these people recently. I am absolutely, completely with the man of my dreams and there is no other for me. It has all made sense now, the road of tears and hard ships in terms of relationships that I had to go down, to arrive where I am now. And I’m thankful for it.

Anybody else have bizarre flash backs? Or your subconscious seemed to be trying to finalize and work through past relationships before getting married?

in denial

So there it is. I’m super in denial. About my allergies and sensitivities. And I’m not sure how to come around to accepting it.

Now too long ago I was lucky enough to get an allergy and sensitivity panel done. It came back with a list LONGER than my arm. I have true allergies to almonds, corn, soybeans, milk, tomatoes and wheat. These are things my doctor tells me I am NEVER to eat again. EVER. I have many many sensitivities, and each are ranked by a number of how extreme the sensitivity is. The least sensitive I’m supposed to stay away from for 3 months, the next level is a 6 month avoidance, then the worst sensitivities are supposed to be gone for a whole year. 

This is so incredibly hard, because these allergies I have are allergies to GOOD whole nutritious foods. I really have a passion for eating well and it has taken me so very long to get to where I am, well, where I WAS, in terms of eating really great stuff. My staples were almond milk, avocados, oatmeal and bananas in the morning, whole wheat pasta with tomato sauce, peanut butter whole wheat toast and honey…. ALL OF WHICH IM SENSITIVE OR ALLERGIC TO!!!!! I feel like I just can’t do this. Not a day has gone by that I’ve truly actually eaten NOTHING on the allergy or sensitivity list. 

Ya know what was on the allergy panel that I WASNT allergic to? Cola. Frikin COCA-COLA. Why couldn’t I be deathly allergic to the really bad for you crap that I already for the most part avoid. But no, for me it’s asparagus and coconut and wonderful mother nature given crap like that. I hate my insides.

When someone tells you that cold turkey, you can NEVER have something every again… it’s really hard. Especially when it’s something that has many many good qualities and properties. It’s not like I’m smoking and it’s killing me and doing NOTHING good for my body. 

I remember back to when I was a whopping 154 lbs (can you sense my sarcasm) about 3 years back and made a big change in my diet. I cut calories and ate very healthfully. I cooked and prepared everything at home. I had a system down that I would eat oatmeal, strawberries and protein powder for breakfast. Banana, peanut butter, veggies and hummus were lunch. I would prepare a hearty, delicious home made dinner and have 1 controlled portion. I was satisfied, felt great, and was losing weight. I came 2 lbs within my healthy BMI (goal weight). Now I’m being told I can’t have oatmeal, soy protein powder, banana, peanut butter or hummus. I’m really really struggling with this.

The whole point of it is that these allergies and sensitivities are causing inflammation, inflammation is causing my body to be damaged and not receive nutrients/vitamins/minerals as well as it could. At a cellular level, I’m not living my best life when I consume these things. 

I thought I was going to be able to take this information and run with it, riding off into the sunset of perfect health and everything being. All it’s made me do is struggle, make my desire for things I CANT HAVE 10 fold, and even rebel against the system.

I know I’m in denial because I’m going onto the bargaining stage. I find myself looking at the specific number values that tell me my sensitivities. The level has to hit a certain value to be considered a class one (avoid for 3 months). It’s weird bc there are many other foods that were declared NOT a sensitivity to avoid because they were a 0.08 instead of a 0.09….. sooooooo….? My scientific brain is having trouble with that.  Most people don’t even have the luxury of having an allergy panel done anyway, and had I not done it, I wouldn’t know. Ignorance is bliss right? How serious is it that my body is pretty inflamed due to sensitivities? Is it actually the sole cause of my body being pretty vitamin/mineral/nutrient deficient? I’m trying to reason and talk my way out of avoiding these amazing foods I’ve come to really really love. For god sakes, I’m italian. There is no ingredient on pizza that I’m not allergic to. What is that??

I find it almost impossible to find recipes that don’t contain AT LEAST one ingredient that I’m allergic to. So… I’m allergic to milk, wheat, tomatoes, soy, corn….. What do I google to even start with? Vegan Gluten Free? But I’m not allergic to meat and need to eat it for protein and iron….. Southwest recipes are my fave but good luck finding one without corn or tomatoes. 

So frankly… I’ve been trying to truly avoid as best I can the true allergies… and I’ve been doing my best to cut back on the sensitivities. But have I been perfect? nope. Have I even had one day of perfect? Nope. 

 

On a different note… my wedding is in 1 month from TODAY. How did that happen???? I had a goal of being super thin, tan, cute as hell by October 4, 2014… and here I am a month before, having to have my size 12 dress let out. LOLLL it’s pathetic really. I’ve decided to take my sole focus and direction of energy off of being an ideal size or weight, and focus on really enjoying this time. I’m done torturing myself. Will I get to my goal weight. YES. Is it meant to be before October 4, 2014- NO. And I’m letting that go. Whether my hips are 43, 42, or 44 inches… you know how much it’ll impact my day and the fact that I’m making this huge commitment to my best friend for the rest of my life? None. At all.

I have soooo much to still figure out. Will I ever reach a destination? Or will it always be a journey? Will I come to enjoy the journey and become even at least closer to, and be able to live in the vicinity of, my goals?

Sigh. I’m tired as hell. It’s all exhausting and I’m looking forward to a breather at some point. Probably after my wedding is over. But I am by no means wishing it away.

Wanting to Finish

So I decided in the past few days that I need to start working out again. I find myself in a constant battle mentally when it comes to working out, because, my main goal is to lose weight. I know that I can lose weight without working out. In fact, in my  experience, when I work out, my appetite goes up, and I have a HARDER time controlling what I eat. So, through this weird process of excuses I come up with in my head, I decide that working out isn’t necessary and don’t.

Then I wonder why I’m flabby and soft. 

I have a friend from nursing school who since has gotten seriously into body building. She has shed 22 lbs and has pretty much transformed her entire body. It’s INCREDIBLE.  Maybe I could ask her if I could share her name and story and pictures and show you sometime, because it’s so inspirational. Anyway, she is on a website called bodybuilding.com. Back last fall, I stumbled upon that website myself and started looking around. I found a program by a fitness model named Jamie Eason called LiveFit. It was a 12 week program that focused on clean eating and a specific workout routine. I asked my friend if she knew about this website and she said yah!! of course! I’m on there all the time! I decided to try to follow Jamie Eason’s LiveFit program, but only lasted… maybe a couple weeks? If that.

That seems to be the story of my life. I don’t finish anything. I really really don’t!!! I’ve signed up for a half marathon, didn’t train, and didn’t do it. I started P90X3, got to day 56 and quit. I could honestly go on and on and on and on. And THAT my friends is why I’m NOT where I want to be. It’s simple. And I really really would like to change that.

I think I’m on a good path, though. Back in June, I was almost up to 175lbs. Today I weighed in at 166!!! AHH!!! That is incredibly exciting to me. I know that my dress fitting a couple weeks ago was a disaster, and certainly doesn’t reflect any kind of success I’ve had recently, but believe it or not I AM going in the right direction. I haven’t been perfect, but I’ve been trying really hard to eat clean, keep my calories in check, and stay away from my food allergies and sensitivities. I’ve been trying to not be stressed out, get enough sleep and now I’m adding back in some exercise.

I want to finish Jamie Eason’s LiveFit program. It’s 12 weeks. I can do this.

The first 4 weeks you focus on clean eating and weight training. No cardio. I know right? Weird. But her idea is that she wants all of your energy, calories, and efforts to go towards developing lean, strong, beautiful muscles. The next 4 weeks you continue to eat clean but add in cardio. The final 4 weeks you really push yourself and focus on clean eating, weight training and interval training, HIIT, etc. 

Today is day 2. And good LORD i’m sore. Yesterday was chest and tris. It was really really simple. Her principle is to do 3 sets of 12 reps of each exercise, with 1 minute rest in between. For the first 4 weeks, the goal is to complete 12 reps, and fail on your final rep. Therefore, she recommends lifting 60% of what you think you could lift, and you should fail on your 12th rep. You basically just blast the two body parts that are designated for each day. It’s really not that complicated. Here’s what my workout yesterday looked like-

* Wide push ups: 3 sets of 12. So basically do 12, rest one minute, do 12 rest one minute and do 12 more. I was able to do 5 normal, then finished the 7 rest on my knees. I did 12 more on my knees, rested, then 12 more on my knees. 

* Dumbell bench press: I did 3 sets of 12 at 15# per set (holding a 15# dumbbell in each hand, laying on my back, pressing up)

* Flat bend cable flyes: I did this with dumbbells instead. I used a 10# in each hand, lied flat on my back on a bench, started with my arms extended above my head, then dropped each hand to the side, still straightened, and back to the top, using chest muscles. 3 sets, one rest in between, 12 reps per set

* Narrow push ups: These KILLED ME. My narrow push ups are pathetic. The first set of 12 was DECENT….. but the next two sets of 12, I fought to just get even an inch of bend in my arms. Yikes.

* Overhead tricep dumbell extension: I love this one. I used a 12.5# weight, put it above my head, then bent my arms until the weight almost touched my head, then back up. Killer tricep workout.

* Finally the Tricep pull down: I used a machine on this one. I used 9# and at this point in the workout, I Definitely failed each set on the 12th rep.

 

So… it was fairly simple, which is GREAT. It took me about 35, 40 minutes to complete, as there was virtually no one else at the gym.

So today my whole upper body is cashed. Bad. 

And today is back and biceps. Great. LOL.

Todays workout will look something like this:

* Wide Grip Lap Pull Down

* One arm dumbbell Row

* Seated Cable Row

* Underhand Cable Pulldown

* Alternating Dumbbell Curl

* One Arm Dumbbell preacher curl

* Standing bicep cable curl

Yikes…. If I think my upper body hurts now….

Tomorrow will be legs/calves, and tuesday will be shoulders/abs. Then there are three days of rest. In a row. Which seems weird to me. But that’s what the schedule is. In weeks 5-8, you increase weight lifting days from 4-5 and add in cardio, so maybe the four day a week thing now makes sense. 

I can DO this 😀

Yesterday my eating was pretty on point. I had a protein shake in the morning. After the gym I had some toasted hemp seeds and an unsweet passion tea. I got home and had some grass fed lean beef burger with onions and mustard. Then I had some oatmeal with strawberries and coconut oil. Then I had a tilapia filet. The only glaring thing wrong with that was I pretty much had zero veggies, which I’m going to try to do better on today. I did some grocery shopping  yesterday and got some awesome veggies to make stir fry, which will be happening after the gym today. 

On that note, I need to go, now, before I do what I do best- talk myself out of it.

Cheers, to FINISHING what you start.

Not as I Had Planned

It’s been a while, because it’s taken me this whole time to gather myself enough to post a somewhat cohesive post that makes sense.  A lot has happened in terms of my journey to health and I’m not sure where to begin. 

As I told you before, I went and saw an integrative doctor who did a bunch of tests (blood draws, stool samples, saliva tests) and put me on an elimination diet along with some supplements addressing my chief complaints (anxiety, stress, fatigue, etc). For four weeks, I was on an elimination diet (no grains, dairy, beef, shellfish, a bunch of stuff and of course processed foods), and did weekly lymphatic drainage massages and sauna sessions. Basically detoxing. While we awaited the results of my blood tests. Then on my fourth week, after I’ve been detoxing and doing an elimination diet, my results came back. 

Shall we start with my vast nutrient deficits or my mile long allergy panel?

Lets start with the allergy panel. I was informed that I have several true allergies and LOTS and LOTS of sensitivities. My true allergies include Almonds, Corn, Tomatoes, Wheat, Peanuts, Soybeans, and Cows Milk. I feel like I’m missing a couple. Basically, through blood testing, these foods are shown to have significant impacts on my body when ingested, ranging from general inflammation at a cellular level to a more typical reaction you might think of like hives, swelling, rash, etc. Cows milk DOES cause me to have trouble breathing, get mucus build up in my throat and in severe cases even swells my throat up (I have an epi pen). I wasn’t too shocked about soybeans because one of the last times I tried to enjoy edamame at lunch, my upper lip swelled up. The rest of them, I was surprised because I haven’t experienced a physical, outward reaction from eating them, but apparently my body is NOT liking them. At all. According to my doctor, I should never ever, for the rest of my life, eat anything on this list, ever. Then there were the 2 pages of sensitivities. These are foods that according to blood tests cause inflammation in my body, all of different extremes. Each sensitivity scored a 1, a 2 or a 3, 3 being the most severe. According to my doctor, I could eventually add back in things I’m sensitive too, once I avoid them for long enough that my body calms down and becomes not so inflamed. Then the trick is once you slowly add things back in, you just have to be careful to eat them sparingly enough that they don’t become a sensitivity again. The nutritionist at the office said ANYTHING really can become a sensitivity, because anything in too high of a quantity, even healthy things, can be too much. The things I’ve sensitive to at a scale of 1 need to be cut out for 3 months, the 2’s need to be cut out for 6 months, and the 3’s need to be cut out for 12 months.

Can I just say.. Yikes?!?! The thought of NEVER eating anything with almonds or wheat or tomatoes in it again is pretty ludicrous to me, to be quite honest. Not eating a banana (it was a sensitivity level 3) for 12 months?? Really? I am finding it tough accepting the fact that I can’t eat the true allergies, ever again, because well frankly… I’ve eaten all of the things on the list (short of cows milk and soybeans) with no true severe reactions, my whole life. Even wheat, I can eat it, and yes I might get some cramping later, but sometimes, the famous zucchini bread my friend makes is worth a few gassy cramps that I can expect a few hours later. I have done my best to WAAAY WAY WAY cut down on all things on the true list and all things on the sensitivity list, but I’m not perfect. At all. The truth is, if I want to be optimally healthy, I need to really avoid those things. And let my body heal. Not to jump ahead here, but one of the blood tests the doc ran was a general inflammation score, and mine was off. the. frikin. charts. No wonder I’m so tired, can’t lose weight, fatigued, stressed, etc. So really, as much as I’m pretty sure I’m in denial, I need to truly avoid all these things that came back in the red.

Moving on to the vitamins, minerals, general nutrition blood work. Jesus, it’s bad. I’m completely deficient of all the B vitamins, which I’m not too surprised as I was not eating that much meat and not taking a consistent supplement. None of my vitamins nor minerals were in an optimal level. A few of them were in the yellow zone, which meant, not great but not absolutely terrible. I have a couple weird genetic mutations that make it hard for my body to process a couple specific vitamins or minerals and I cannot remember specifics. But I have that going for me as well. My iron levels were a total shocker. My actual iron and hemoglobin were ok, but my ferritin, which is a protein that stores iron for later use, was incredibly low. She said your ferritin will be low way before you would see iron or hemoglobin low, but that’s not too far after. According to a website, your level can be anywhere from 12-125 to be considered normal, but it specified the closer you are to the lower end the more you may have symptoms or show signs of anemia. My doc wants it to be at a 75-100. Mine was a 15. YIKES. No wonder for the past few years, I come home from work, hit the couch, take a 2-3 hour nap, wake up for dinner, and go to bed early. She said I needed to start taking supplements for all of my severe deficiencies STAT, and I walked out with 8 bottles. 

I wasn’t able to get in for an appointment with the nutritionist for a week after that, so I went home feeling like absolute garbage. I’m deficient in every single thing you could be deficient in, and I’m allergic to EVERYTHING and have no clue what to eat. The most frustrating part about it is the fact that I don’t sit at home on the couch all day eating 2500 calories worth of pizza, cheetos and coke. I rarely eat at fast food. I spend a lot of time doing research about the best ways to eat and how to nourish your body. And here I am, so inflamed and NOT healthy, it makes me sick. I had a massage after my session with the doc in which she revealed all these results with me, and I laid there and cried. My doctor and my massage therapist reminded me that this is good news, that now we know why I feel the way I do, why I have trouble with the things I do, and we can formulate a game plan. I was just sad.

Then the weekend came. Bachelorette party time! I don’t drink, at all anymore other than the very occasional glass of wine. I didn’t want to be a party pooper and not drink, but I knew I wanted to keep it as under control as possible. Needless to say, we had an excellent time, but whoa did I feel like absolute crap the next day. This is why I don’t drink. And as far as I’m concerned, thats the last time I ever am going to feel like I ‘have to drink’ to make the crowd happy. And I’m totally 100% ok with it.

The day after my bachelorette party, I had my first dress fitting. Lets re cap. When I first bough it back in March of 2013, I was about 154 lbs, and I asked them to order a size up (14) so that I would have plenty of room and it would be taken in. In fact, at 154, the size 12 was a bit tight and I felt like I would probably need to lose 5 lbs to make it super comfy. They insisted the 12 was the way to go, so I stupidly complied. The dress came in October of 2013 and I Was scared to go try it on as I had gained some weight and was sitting at about 161 lbs. It fit, but was definitely definitely tight. So, last weekend, first official dress fitting, I was sitting at 169/170. I knew it was going to be even more tight…. BUT THE DRESS DIDN’T EVEN FIT AT ALL!!! OMG talk about the HORROR. Let me just take you through the whole, painful scenario. I go into the dressing room, and the seamstress says, ok put it on and we’ll do the fitting. So, here I am, alone in the dressing room with my dress. The lady I had been working with the whole time, Melissa, was no where to be found. I’m looking at the dress, and try to step into it. No way its going up around my hips, and I suddenly remember Melissa has always helped me pull it over my head. So, now here I am, alone, and decide I’m going to have to get the dress on myself, as no one’s there to help me. I struggled and try to pull on 50 lbs of wedding dress over my own head, and as I get it down to my hips, the very frantic realization hits me that it is not going to fit. At all. (Yikes, I’m getting teared up). The dress fits very tight around the hips, and that’s where I put all my weight. All of it. At 154 lbs, it was adorable and like “wow girl! nice ass!” but now at 170, it wasn’t fitting. At all. I had figured I would ask them to take it out a bit, for it to be comfortable, but not so that it would just actually fit and GO ON. I couldn’t even get it straight it was so tight. I so awkwardly go out, in the public area, to stand on the pedestal, in front of my mom and friend, in a dress that doesn’t fit. Talk about my  absolute worst nightmare coming true. I wanted to cry, crawl into a hole, whatever, but kept on a shining face and said, through a smile “they’re going to have to take it out a bit.” My mom and friend smiled and said “it’s beautiful.” I’m not sure if they were being genuine. I could tell my mom was feeling my pain, and I felt incredibly guilty that I had made an awkward situation. The very very unhelpful seamstress says to me “You got time!!” …. I could have punched her. She didn’t even take measurements. All that could be done at that point was for her to say, well we will take it out and once it fits right, we’ll do the specific measurements like your bust and hemline then. After asking her to help me because it goes over my head, not a step in sort of dress, to get it off of me, she goes into the dressing room with me. She helps pull it off then points out that some of my freshly applied bare minerals make up had gotten on the inside of the dress. She finished off the session by saying “Also, next time, wear less make up.”

……….

Yeah. Let’s pause for a moment of silence for my pride, dignity, and confidence. Because they are all dead now.

I wish that I had gone with the 14 instead of the 12. It would have saved me SOO much grief. I wish that I hadn’t gained 20 damn lbs in the past year and a half. It’s my fault, no one else’s. I had a rough rough year- change of jobs, getting a much more stressful job, moving- twice, tornado destroying my apartment, missing my family.. but it’s not an excuse. None of it is. Life will always be rough, there’ll always be harder things around the bend, and I can’t gain 20 lbs every time that happens. I just can’t. I wonder how people get to be 300, 400+ lbs. That’s how. Letting the hardships in life allow you to let yourself go for a brief period of time. Over and Over. I was just shy of being in the obese category (175 for me), and I don’t want to be a statistic.

In the end, what do I need right now? That’s the biggest question. I need to start getting healthy and more than that for now, I need to start having my weight go in the right direction. Sure they’ll take out my dress and it will fit, but I don’t want to take ANY chances. If anything, I want it to be loose and maybe needing to be taken back in a bit. I’m NOT screwing around with this anymore. I’m not, I’m done. I decided that at least until the wedding, only 50 something days away, I need to focus. Big time. For me that means tracking. I need to track every single thing that goes into my mouth. Every calorie. And I need to keep the caloric intake down below 1400 calories. If I do that, I should steadily lose weight, slowly, but surely. I’ve been doing that for a week now, and I’m down 2 lbs. I’m down as of yesterday to 167. Which to me is a big deal, given just about 5 weeks ago I was pushing 175. I’m finally going in the right direction. I’m getting a handle on new recipes and things I can eat that will hopefully have a less harmful effect on my body. And I’m hoping that between eating less food that my body is allergic or sensitive to, compounded with counting calories, the weight will come off easier. I’m so tired of being a slave to this. I’m tired of tears and frustration and it ruining huge moments like my wedding dress fitting. I want it to be over. I need to take control.