in denial

So there it is. I’m super in denial. About my allergies and sensitivities. And I’m not sure how to come around to accepting it.

Now too long ago I was lucky enough to get an allergy and sensitivity panel done. It came back with a list LONGER than my arm. I have true allergies to almonds, corn, soybeans, milk, tomatoes and wheat. These are things my doctor tells me I am NEVER to eat again. EVER. I have many many sensitivities, and each are ranked by a number of how extreme the sensitivity is. The least sensitive I’m supposed to stay away from for 3 months, the next level is a 6 month avoidance, then the worst sensitivities are supposed to be gone for a whole year. 

This is so incredibly hard, because these allergies I have are allergies to GOOD whole nutritious foods. I really have a passion for eating well and it has taken me so very long to get to where I am, well, where I WAS, in terms of eating really great stuff. My staples were almond milk, avocados, oatmeal and bananas in the morning, whole wheat pasta with tomato sauce, peanut butter whole wheat toast and honey…. ALL OF WHICH IM SENSITIVE OR ALLERGIC TO!!!!! I feel like I just can’t do this. Not a day has gone by that I’ve truly actually eaten NOTHING on the allergy or sensitivity list. 

Ya know what was on the allergy panel that I WASNT allergic to? Cola. Frikin COCA-COLA. Why couldn’t I be deathly allergic to the really bad for you crap that I already for the most part avoid. But no, for me it’s asparagus and coconut and wonderful mother nature given crap like that. I hate my insides.

When someone tells you that cold turkey, you can NEVER have something every again… it’s really hard. Especially when it’s something that has many many good qualities and properties. It’s not like I’m smoking and it’s killing me and doing NOTHING good for my body. 

I remember back to when I was a whopping 154 lbs (can you sense my sarcasm) about 3 years back and made a big change in my diet. I cut calories and ate very healthfully. I cooked and prepared everything at home. I had a system down that I would eat oatmeal, strawberries and protein powder for breakfast. Banana, peanut butter, veggies and hummus were lunch. I would prepare a hearty, delicious home made dinner and have 1 controlled portion. I was satisfied, felt great, and was losing weight. I came 2 lbs within my healthy BMI (goal weight). Now I’m being told I can’t have oatmeal, soy protein powder, banana, peanut butter or hummus. I’m really really struggling with this.

The whole point of it is that these allergies and sensitivities are causing inflammation, inflammation is causing my body to be damaged and not receive nutrients/vitamins/minerals as well as it could. At a cellular level, I’m not living my best life when I consume these things. 

I thought I was going to be able to take this information and run with it, riding off into the sunset of perfect health and everything being. All it’s made me do is struggle, make my desire for things I CANT HAVE 10 fold, and even rebel against the system.

I know I’m in denial because I’m going onto the bargaining stage. I find myself looking at the specific number values that tell me my sensitivities. The level has to hit a certain value to be considered a class one (avoid for 3 months). It’s weird bc there are many other foods that were declared NOT a sensitivity to avoid because they were a 0.08 instead of a 0.09….. sooooooo….? My scientific brain is having trouble with that.  Most people don’t even have the luxury of having an allergy panel done anyway, and had I not done it, I wouldn’t know. Ignorance is bliss right? How serious is it that my body is pretty inflamed due to sensitivities? Is it actually the sole cause of my body being pretty vitamin/mineral/nutrient deficient? I’m trying to reason and talk my way out of avoiding these amazing foods I’ve come to really really love. For god sakes, I’m italian. There is no ingredient on pizza that I’m not allergic to. What is that??

I find it almost impossible to find recipes that don’t contain AT LEAST one ingredient that I’m allergic to. So… I’m allergic to milk, wheat, tomatoes, soy, corn….. What do I google to even start with? Vegan Gluten Free? But I’m not allergic to meat and need to eat it for protein and iron….. Southwest recipes are my fave but good luck finding one without corn or tomatoes. 

So frankly… I’ve been trying to truly avoid as best I can the true allergies… and I’ve been doing my best to cut back on the sensitivities. But have I been perfect? nope. Have I even had one day of perfect? Nope. 

 

On a different note… my wedding is in 1 month from TODAY. How did that happen???? I had a goal of being super thin, tan, cute as hell by October 4, 2014… and here I am a month before, having to have my size 12 dress let out. LOLLL it’s pathetic really. I’ve decided to take my sole focus and direction of energy off of being an ideal size or weight, and focus on really enjoying this time. I’m done torturing myself. Will I get to my goal weight. YES. Is it meant to be before October 4, 2014- NO. And I’m letting that go. Whether my hips are 43, 42, or 44 inches… you know how much it’ll impact my day and the fact that I’m making this huge commitment to my best friend for the rest of my life? None. At all.

I have soooo much to still figure out. Will I ever reach a destination? Or will it always be a journey? Will I come to enjoy the journey and become even at least closer to, and be able to live in the vicinity of, my goals?

Sigh. I’m tired as hell. It’s all exhausting and I’m looking forward to a breather at some point. Probably after my wedding is over. But I am by no means wishing it away.